Seeking some insight into my madness: Critique blog hop

2/15/2015

I discovered this brilliant initiative hosted by Amy Trueblood and Michelle Hauk while surfing through the Twittersphere. The notion is that you post your novel pitch and first 250 words on your blog, add it to their list of links, and then critique the five entries before you and the five entries after you.

So here is mine! If anybody cruising through here is interested in exchanging full manuscripts, please email me (click on the little envelope button in the top corner).

*** Taking this down for now, but am totally up for swapping queries, pitches, whatever - drop me a line! ***

13 Comments

Rose Black link

2/15/2015 05:01:13 am

Hi! Here are my thougths on your query and opening words. I hope they're helpful.

Query:

I love the opening paragraph. Great hook. I think you can cut out the fourth paragraph, as you don't want your query dragging out, but other than that it's good. Sets up the characters and the atmosphere.

I think your word count is a little low. Generally YA is about 60-90k. You don't need to say the pages are pasted in or that the manuscript is available as this goes without saying.

250 words:

Given the cliche of the story opening with a dream, I'd remove the first line . The next paragraph makes a great hook so I think you'd be much better served by starting with this.

Maybe mention that she's in a car before the mother has to break as I wasn't expecting that.

I think the last clause should be a new sentence rather than using a semi-colon, but that's only a small thing.

Amelinda link

2/16/2015 09:00:55 am

Thanks so much for the feedback - excellent points. I bite my nails a little over the word count...I hear greatly varied reports of what the low end of acceptable is. All my favourite ghost stories are in this range, but they're also 20 years old :/

Rose Black link

2/17/2015 05:30:56 am

It is hard to string out a good ghost story for too long. My self-published one was only 54k. Good luck with it, as it sounds like a great story.

Shanna

2/15/2015 03:51:17 pm

Hi there!
Love supernatural stories!
Pitch: Is the antagonist the main character or Marianne?
Query: I really want to know if the "it" will have its own point of view chapters? That's my major question. Also can you give hint at what exactly is driving it specifically towards Marianne? What's its motivation? Can we have a peek at its backstory or legend behind it?
First 250: Love the imagery of the flowers. Do they get in a car crash?
Overall: Sounds like a great setup!

Amelinda link

2/16/2015 09:38:25 am

Thanks very much for the feedback! Nope, the POV stays with Marianne throughout. The identity and motivations of the ghost are pretty much the punch line of the book, so I'm told I should save that for the synopsis. Maybe I can find a way to explain that it accuses her of drowning it and trapping it under the water without explaining how that might have happened (since Marianne doesn't remember doing anything of the sort)? Hmm, will tinker!

Melissa Menten link

2/16/2015 07:39:02 am

Hi there, I'm #43 on the blog hop.

Pitch: Part of me thinks it's good, but I think "girl haunted by poltergeist that wants to possess her" is too generic-the reference to a lesbian attraction makes it more unique, but what else can you put in from your story to make this really stand out?

Query:2nd paragraph-not sure what the mother abandoning her has to do with the dream-like event? If I understand the rest correctly, the poltergeist traps her in the dream and uses her body to attack her loved ones? That would be a fascinating thing to read about. I too am concerned about your MS's length for the same reasons mentioned above.

250: I would leave off the first sentence and start with the next paragraph for a bigger hook. A nit picky thing: in 250 words you use "it" 9 times-see if you can edit a few out. The rest reads well and is interesting enough to turn the page.

Amelinda link

2/16/2015 09:32:27 am

Thanks very much for your comments! Will have to mess around with the pitch some more and try to incorporate specifics.

As mentioned above, yeah, I worry about the length myself. I am still combing through it for opportunities to expand, but I don't think I'm far off its final shape at this point. I have seen ms wish lists that call for "devour-in-one-sitting" spooky books, though, so maybe this might fit the bill? Que sera sera!

Kamerhe Lane link

2/16/2015 12:30:16 pm

Thanks for sharing this with me! I hope my comments are useful. Let me know if you have any questions. Leave a comment on my blog: https://kamerhesthebestthingsince.wordpress.com/

CRITIQUE:

43,000 seems a bit short for a YA novel.

Pitch: Concept is intriguing--sounds unique but comfortably familiar.

Query:
First paragraph: I get a little lost around the em-dashes trying to keep track of the single image and the beach and the black water and the certainty…
Second paragraph: Should the first sentence be in that tense? “Crack a chalkboard”—yikes! Ooo, I want to know what the sinister message is!!
Third paragraph: If Rhiannon (love that name!) is the love interest, consider including something that might hint at that. Unless the romance aspect is not central (however, your 35-word pitch would suggest that it is).
Fourth paragraph: Is there any reason the objects in this paragraph are discussed separately from the ones in the second paragraph? Also, why is the night “eternal”? When you say “trapping her there while it stalks the real world in her place,” do you mean that at a certain point in the novel Marianne is fighting the poltergeist from some kind of dream world and she’s unconscious in the real world? And where is Rhiannon—real world or dream world? Does the book have multiple POVs? I do have to admit that I’m getting pretty lost by this point.
Fifth paragraph: What is an “atmospheric” approach? The whole first sentence actually is a bit trick-sy (sorry  LOTR reference) for me—I think I’m missing your meaning in several parts.

First 250:
“It’s the silence”—what’s “it”?
“Heavy as water…in my ears” – nice
Okay…so I’m not sure about the whole starting-with-a-dream thing. I’ve heard some say it’s a big no-no, but I’m more inclined to believe that you can get away with absolutely anything as long as it works. Your dream… it starts out interesting. I liked the “heavy as water” thing and the “something moving.” There was some nice description that gave me that creepy feeling. But then it just abruptly stopped and I was yanked into a car with some flowers. I felt like I really wanted more of that dream, but I’m not sure if that would work in your first few pages. Have you considered moving it to later in your first chapter when the reader is more grounded in Marianne and you can spend a little more time with the dream creepiness? The beginning just felt a little passive when there’s soooo much fabulousness promised in your query pitch. ‘Cuz if I haven’t mentioned it yet, I really, really, really like the concept of your novel. I love the idea of a mysterious, malevolent poltergeist (as opposed to some sympathetic ghost she’ll fall in love with later in the novel) and these two girls falling in love as they fight it. Awesome-sauce!

Lora Palmer link

2/17/2015 01:25:36 am

Intriguing query and opening page! I think you've gotten some great ideas already for edits.

In the query, you might take out the last line of the synopsis. I think ending with the previous sentence would give it a strong conclusion. Maybe earlier in the query you could work in a way to hint that there's a reason this entity is targeting Marianne without giving that reason away?

I kind of like the start of the opening pages, where Marianne isn't sure whether whatever strange happening she'd experienced was dream or reality. I would like to have a mention a little earlier wherever it could fit in that she and her mother are in the car on the way to Aunt Marjorie's.

Best of luck with this!

Gloria Chao link

2/17/2015 06:42:33 am

Great pitch - clearly outlines the stakes and makes me want to read more.
Great query opening. I think your query does a great job of setting the mood (which also matches the black background of your blog!). Small suggestion: maybe take out "full force of its rage" and just go straight to the pins, boiling water, and knives.
I agree with Rose Black. Given how agents react to starting with a dream, maybe try to find a way around that. I also paused a little at the word count, but then realized that you don't need world building for poltergeists.
Best of luck!

Erin Fry link

2/17/2015 09:50:28 am

Great job. I loved both your query and your first 250 words and was pulled in by both.

Query: I think your pitch was a little long? You might be able to shave some details . . . the fourth paragraph seems a bit specific for a query. Maybe you can cut or hone way down. Your 35-word pitch talks about the "girl she's coming to love," but your query letter doesn't get at that. I'd think that would be something to add?

First 250 words: I think your second paragraph is a super strong opener. What a great first sentence. Can you cut your current first line? I love the sensory descriptions you create, almost poetic. I know there is taboo about starting with a dream I don't know, I think you are creating more of a memory or a emotion maybe than focusing on a dream. I like it.

Best of luck. I wouldn't stress too much on word count. I have a YA that's 46,000 and nobody has said anything about it.

Eric Wheeler link

2/18/2015 03:47:43 am

I like your pitch and your query is good. My only nitpick is not with the query but the word count. under 50K for YA is not usual.

The pages drew me in. It's creepy but in a good way. I want to know more about the haunting.

Thanks,

Eric

Angela link

2/18/2015 05:57:21 am

You've received some good feedback so I will try not to duplicate.

Pitch: Succinct, but I would like to know what makes this poltergeist story unique.

Query: The first line, I'm getting caught up on the word "groping' just doesn't give me an eery feeling you are going for. More of a teenage make-out reference.

Second paragraph: Consider telling us the "sinister" message.

First 250:
Consider cutting the first line. Start with: "The silence still clings to me."

Watch your tenses. You switch from present to past.

You write beautiful prose and I definitely get the spook factor.

Angela #40

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